U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
