i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
