You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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