you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
