8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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