there were more penises there than on chat roulette
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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