You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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