No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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