so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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