Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
