We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
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