I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
