I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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