Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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