just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
