My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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