last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
