The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
