If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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