apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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