I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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