i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
