You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
