totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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