I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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