Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
