If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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