I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
