Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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