My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
