I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
