Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
