She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
