You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
