mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
