Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
