News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
