Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
