The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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