Ketchup is God's man juice
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
