Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
and you said cock pushups were impossible
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
