there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
