I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
