You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
