the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
