where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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