also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
