I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
