fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
