I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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